Low self-esteem, while still feeling accomplished, and proud, Part One.
I really struggle with giving myself credit, my self-esteem has always been a battle. For me its less about my appearance, generally I feel okay, probably better than okay I guess … I feel good. Yes, of course there are things I am working on, and things I don’t love. But I have finally gotten to the point in life, mainly because of my ability to maintain a comfortable weight, where my appearance is not the issue. Right now, its an overall feeling just not being good enough, like I am being pulled in different directions at both work and home, and I can’t catch a break in either direction.
Work for me has been a struggle with making stupid, attention to detail mistakes. They are my mistakes and I can’t blame anyone else; however, the volume of work has been a challenge. One of my staff members has been out on maternity leave, combined with a less than helpful boss, its been a long six weeks. She is back remotely now, so I am looking forward to taking back her work. I am really looking forward to getting into a more strategic role. The company I am working for really needs some organizational discipline and training. I love rules, and efficiency. When things just happen and there are few problems, and everyone is held accountable. Wishful thinking you might be saying, but I don’t buy that! Its my goal over the next year to help bring them over the $100M mark with sustained growth.
The next 90 days for me are going to be hugely important as I transition back out of a doing role. It was eye opening because I realized its not entirely what I want (at one point I thought I did), I want to have an active role in the organization but less actual work. I am going to focus on the training and on-boarding program. Coming up with an internal brand, culture and structure that can grow with the company. This can be accomplished in the short term with one off training’s, which are recorded and shared company-wide. Then overtime building a database of training’s, instructional sheets, examples, templates, etc.
Its definitely a lot, but where my one of my passions lie. I love to write, I love to develop educational type materials. I am not creative really.. its really limited anyway. But I love to write.
At home the feelings of inadequacy comes up for a few reasons, but as I have gotten older it has much to do with the fact that I don’t really have any friends or open up to anyone. Its been like that for most of my life. I have a hard to handling other peoples emotions, its a burden for lack a of better way to describe it. And then add to that a husband who doesn’t talk about much, internalizes everything and has a mean streak. He grew up in a house and family full of boys. I am treated more like one of the guys, opposite to the wife I hoped to be treated as. And thereeeee it is… expectation and how I let to influence how I feel about a situation.
This post is getting a little out of control for today, I need to settle down to relax its Sunday night. I will follow up tomorrow with part two, about why I feel accomplished and proud.
